(Chapter I: Salvation) “Extricated”
“In life man commits himself and draws his own portrait, outside of which there is nothing. No doubt this thought may seem harsh to someone who has not made a success of his life. But on the other hand, it helps people to understand that reality alone counts, and that dreams, expectations and hopes only serve to define a man as a broken dream, aborted hopes, and futile expectations.“
- Jean P. Sartre
I don’t know how many times I questioned what makes me who I am. Could it be the self that I know is not my real self? And, the real me may not even know me? Never mind, it seems that I am indeed falling into a romantic search for a definition of my existence. An emotional upheaval that may also be experienced by many people. This is nothing special.
I’ve been through many roads. I also did not forget to bring a pile of desires filled by various ambitions to become fuel for me to travel out there. I have placed myself in a fictional image and I am proudly aware and understand what I am looking for. However, what I fail to understand is the existence of my desire as something that others must fulfill.
Unfortunately, I was driven and blinded by the desire for contentment, my mundane ambition, false dream, and I was too busy seeing myself from other people’s points of view while unconsciously imprisoning my own freedom. Slowly, it makes me a stranger to myself. Without realizing what I’ve been doing all this time will only leave a desire-shaped-hole in me. My naivety makes me think that I still can be complete, while there’s an absence within. I was wrong. I am just a passenger who pretends as a captain on a motionless voyage after all this time.
I am not myself without all the desire and ambition I have, but still, it makes me trapped in a fictional image of myself. Slowly I finally realized that I had created my other-self. The other-self was defined and dictated by people’s perceptions and expectations of myself. Such an outwardly projection to see myself. I realized, no matter how far I ran from him, he would still be a part of me, it was only a matter of time until I could reconcile with him and accept what was not given without looking for hope anymore. Because I know that expectations kill, more than reality did.
I don’t want to say that I have filled the void created by my blind desire and ambition. But I want to say that at the very least I have found and recognized myself again. It is a liberating discovery. For a while, I felt alive again, and maybe it’s time to start all over again.
“I don’t need to take a rest for my unconquered soul. I saw myself making friends with irony. I’m not dancing to my demise. The lantern never loses its light”